This is the first post of what Dani Alexis and I are hoping will be a fun, and constructive series of angry rants.See, we’ve been talking for ages about how much we want to write giant “sex/gender bullshit and autism” super-posts, because we have so much to say on those topics.

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When you teach boys and young men (autistic or otherwise) that anyone who fails to accommodate their needs is a bad person, and then turn around and teach girls and women (autistic or otherwise) that they aren’t allowed to have needs, you are helping make sure that we will continue to live in a world where women are constantly blamed for their own sexual assault, and where men are trained to be so worried about their masculinity that they are unable to admit that they have hurt others, or that others hurt them.

And autistic people are supremely vulnerable to this kind of manipulation and socialization, in part because these kinds of stories and lessons about “adulthood” and “independence” fill our lives, and are not in any way limited to the sphere of relationships and dating.

The question is not “is there a woman that wants to marry him,” but instead, it is “how does he get through the dating stage in the process without scaring away the women who eventually, will totally want to marry him.” We should note, also, that there are apparently only two states an autistic woman can exist in: she is living every day alone, trying to “keep safe” despite the world around her, or she is already in a relationship with a partner who doesn’t really know her.

Guides on how to date, or how to “not get raped,” or how to be the perfect partner, are implicitly (and explicitly, at least in these cases) guides on how to act more neurotypical, just like they are also guides on how to act straight, on how to act middle-class, and on how to act white.

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